These could all be signs our relationships are in trouble.
- Do you feel alone in your relationship?
- Do you feel like you have no connection with your partner?
- Do you accuse one another of “not accepting me for who I am?”
- Do you have separate interest and spend little quality time together?
- Do you feel like “my partner doesn’t know me.”
- Do you feel like you have grown apart?
What happened you may ask? How did we get here? What happened to that feeling we had when we first met? When we first fall in love with a person there is usually a strong attraction to the other person physically, mental, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually (you could also both have no spirituality which you find attractive in the other person). In the beginning we put our best foot forward and only show our best qualities, we hide the parts of ourselves we deem unlovable. We make more of an effort to get to know the other person and listen intently to what they have to say. We are fascinated by this person! We would rather be with this person and then another else and we may think about them all day long, counting the hours until we see them again. In reality, we are on a chemical brain high that is stronger than any heroin high. You could say we are addicted to this person! The feeling is amazing and we are amazed by this person. However, over time we can become complacent as we become more comfortable with the relationship and both individuals start to show parts of themselves that are not so desirable as no one is perfect. Being “in love” or romantic love is not the same as lasting love.
Lasting love requires self-sacrifice; not being afraid to reveal our weaknesses; asking for what we need and keeping our hearts open. Revealing our fears, faults and failures; having common goals; having a common life purpose together and similar spiritual beliefs. Seeing the good, instead of always looking for the fault & blame; taking ownership when we have made a mistake and saying we are sorry. Knowing we can not change the other person, but only change ourselves. It is in this knowing that real, lasting love can happen in our relationships and the connection we once knew can be made again. Standing back with a new perspective and asking ourselves, “What is my part in this? What did I do that may have caused the other person to respond the way he or she did or caused he or she to pull away from me?” Many times as we become comfortable with a person we begin to play out old roles we played in our families or saw our parents play. This is mostly happening on a subconscious level and is the “then and there” that becomes the “here and now.” It is our process of how we protect ourselves from any impending threat or hurt, which may have worked in the past, but is no longer working for us now and in our relationships. The key to making the first step towards change in ourselves and our relationships is awareness of what is really happening and not being afraid to admit that something is wrong. Once we make this first step we can be on the road to recovery and help, help to be what we and our relationships were always meant to be…free, happy and whole